Parenting

Early detection and treatment of an eating disorder correlates with a better chance of sustaining a full recovery. Oftentimes, those with an eating disorder reflect on their childhood and notice their behaviors and thoughts around food and body at that time. It's common for individuals who have an eating disorder to reference comments made by their parents around food and body, as well as behaviors around them. Parents are the first influencing factors in a child's life, and children learn to exist in the world through them. As the brain is developing, it is holding on to as many pieces of information as it can and forms neural networks accordingly. If a child hears their mom or dad talking negatively about their body, the brain holds on to that and makes that connection internally. Each time these negative comments toward the body are repeated, the brain strengthens that connection.

This means the "innocent" and cliché question of, "Does this outfit make me look fat?" indeed does harm for your child. They just learned to question themselves in this manner. When they just looked in a mirror with an outfit on before, they may have noticed the colors, the texture, or the style. Now, they may wonder, "Do I look fat in this?" This question also instills an important component of EDs: fatphobia. Not only does this question emphasize if you look fat or not, but it stigmatizes the word fat as something negative. This teaches the child: fat is bad. The same goes for thoughts and behaviors around food. If a parent engages in talk like, "I'm so bad for eating this," "I'm going to have to work this off tomorrow," or "I can't eat right now; I need to lose weight," children will internalize these thoughts and behaviors. Where food used to be just that - food, it now means something much more. The brain may learn to engage in similar talk or questioning, "If mom's 'bad' when she eats this, am I being bad too?" Believe it or not, individuals struggling with their relationship with food or body will remember these exact comments made, even 50 years down the road.

So, What Should I Do Instead?

One of the best things you can do as a parent is to model positive talk and behavior around food and body. Instead of saying, "I'm so bad for eating all of this," try, "I'm really enjoying this meal today. I'm glad I'm honoring what my body was craving." This gives permission to the child to do the same- to honor their desires. If you put on a dress that you don't feel the best in, instead of, "I feel so fat in this," try, "I think I'm going to try something I feel more confident and comfortable in." This answer doesn't emphasize fat as bad, but models the behavior that it's okay to change into something that makes you feel best. Another positive way to influence your child's experience with food and body is to not give appearance-based compliments. For example, don't state, "I wish I had those skinny legs again. Enjoy them while you have them! Oh, what it was like to be young." This instills that childlike legs are desirable, and womanly legs are not. What does this teach the child? Hold on to the skinny legs, at all costs. Instead, try compliments like, "You bring so much joy to my life," "You light up a room," or, "Your soul is truly beautiful." These compliments mean much more, and they do not change based on appearance.

My Child Is Showing Signs of an ED, What Can I Do?

This answer sounds simple, but it is true: just, be there. Ask questions. Check-in. Educate yourself. Reach out to resources. Ask how you can help them. Truly, just be present with them. Even if you're met with resistance, seek outside help. Take it seriously, and find ways to support them. Even if you don't understand or cannot relate, a meaningful check-in can go farther than you'd realize. Don't wait for it to seem "clinically severe." Finally, look in the mirror yourself. Ask yourself, is there a way I can best model good behavior for them? Could I talk about my body in a kinder tone? Do I need to explore areas within myself to help them to the best of my ability? Be curious about yourself, and be open to what you find; It's never too late to make changes.

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